I sit in dead silence, listening to the ticking clock in the background. I find myself staring at those little whites and browns. They feel so light in my palm. I hold in my hand what will change my life, in a better way but somewhere deep down I am holding onto that fear, that fear of unknown and I know I need to let go, and maybe I will now.

That little white calls onto me and I stare at it indifferently, I need it, I know that. This cocktail of anti-anxiety,  anti-depressants and anti-psychotics is just a painful reminder of a horrible past and the image of a bleak future that screams inside my head but there is also a spark of hope that I hold in my heart. This is also a reminder that my life will change in a better way. Staring at these pills I remind myself that I have been strong and I have been courageous. I feel proud of myself that I came this far, all by my own. This is a reminder that I battled my biggest demon and I am winning. I don’t know what the future has in hold for me, but I am not terrified anymore. This is the time, to let go and go get everything that I want in life and to be the person that I want to be.

Welcome to adulthood, I say to myself but this time it truly is a welcome because this time, I feel like my life’s actually under my control, for the first time in 20 years. It feels good to  finally take charge of your own life and have that spark of courage and bravely shine through your heart and illuminate your way.

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